The Power of Change
Published 6th May 2016
Over the last few days of journaling on a daily basis, rather that my occasional journaling. I have revealed that in the beginning of this new chapter in my life, how I have felt fragmented, and not quite myself. There are still days where I will feel quite lost and confused, or nothing like the me I used to be. Yet through my healing process what I have discovered is that I am still intrinsically me, I’m not the me that I had been over the past twenty-eight years of my married life with Gary... The thing is the me I became when I was with Gary, was not the same as the me of my childhood, or my early teens; and this has forced me to consciously recognise and acknowledge that we are all changing all the time.
Acknowledging that sometimes the changes we go through as we evolve is very subtle; in fact so subtle that we don't even notice we are changing at all, and then there are things that happen to us that are profound and can't escape acknowlinging that thee event has changed us forever. Events cause us to stop and consider or really reconsider everything about ourselves and the course of our lives.
It's been a little over thtree years since Gary got his angel wings, and today would have been his fifty-seventh birthday, so he is at the forefront of my mind as is how I have coped with the change of him not being here in my life in the physical sense. A few of the realisations I have had today have been that while it is true that I have been feeling lost, fragmented and somewhat rudderless on the one hand, the core of who I am and who I have always been still remains. I have realised that although my life is irreversibly changed the basic essence hasn't changed despite having experienced a profound emotional trauma. Similary I have had to "man-up" and acknowledge that while I am still going through the healing process; the trauma is not me, it is part of my life experience, but it doesn't define who I am now or who I will become in the future. Sure the trauma will no doubt change the way I think about life and death and what I do with the time that is allotted to me, between now and when it's my time to leave this mortal coil, but will this profound loss fundamentally change the core of what makes me who I am, I'm starting to think not.
Yes I am a work in progress, but so are all of us, whether we have experienced loss or not. As I work my way through this healing process I have had to acknowledge and consciously recognise that I am changing. I've found myself questioning if I'm being real with myself? Whether or not I might have been unreasonable with myself? Perhaps expecting too much and maybe too soon? Have I been dewelling or wallowing in my loss? Recognising that its only been a little over three years, and that some changes in life that can not be processed and overcome quickly or easily. I've also been questioning the tools I have been using in my healing process... are they enough or do I need to acquire new tools.
The process of putting thoughts and observations of self I have always found helpful. I,t helps to sort through the different ideas we have about ourselves, and sift through where we are, what we are going through and put some plans in place for the direction we'd like to be heading into. For example, I have written about how I have felt fragmented and how I have felt utterly torn asunder. While these feelings are very real and true, will I permanently be in such a deeply pained state? My answer is no! This is because life has already taught me that we have a choice. When it comers to change, no matter how that change may manifest, we can choose to sit in the darkness and resist the challenges that change brings us, or we can face the challenges head-on with courage. Its never really been part of my nature to sit in the darkness and resist change, so I face it head-on with courage even when every atom of my being is screaming with pain.
For those of you reading this who have experienced loss on any level will understand, its never easy to pick yourself up and dust yourself off, but is has to be done - its how we find the ways in which we can become our own hero's.hell a We have to do it for those that we have loved and losts we owe it to their memory and the love that they had for us to go through our individual grieveing and healing processes and make it through to the other side of our personal hell... and what do we find about ourselves once we've made it through??? We're stronger. clearer, brighter and better.
For example, I have several very good friends that have experienced profound loss - non of us are over it, but each of us have or are learning to live with it. One of my very good friends lost her son in a traffic accident and while she was deeply and profoundly wounded, during her healing started a Childrens Charity to help orphaned and underprivileged children in her home village in Zambia. Her charity bears her son's name and over the years that I have known her before my own bereavement, the charity has built a school, employs a teacher and educates, clothes and feeds the children. The School house at the Children's Centre is also used by the villagers for a variety of purposes when not in use as a school house. They have a school kitchen garden where the children are taught to tend the land and which grow the food that feed the 80+ orphanse which the Charity looks after at the Children's Centre. There is so much that this charity does and it was born out of the tradgey of my friend loosing her son.
I have another friend who also lost her husband. He was a gifted environmental achetect and engineer decades ahead of his time, who came up with a system of construction that is very low in carbon emissions in the building component fabrication, during the construction, and is net-zero once the domestic and commercial structures have been built as well as in theory being disaster proof. Since her husbands passing my friend has worked tirelessly for over thirty years to promote her husbands work as it has the potential to protect human life as well as the environment.
How many other people are there out there in the world who have been impacted by grief and have gone on to do amazing things or set up amazing organisations in support of others who have loved and lost.
All these things that I have written about and often speak about are ingredients to the process of change. We’ve all seen countless memes of butterflies, reminding us that if is wasn’t for the process of change, there would be no butterflies… Those memes which remind us that us that if we stand still, we’ll get nowhere. In the reality of btiology it also has to be brought to mind that the slow proccess of a butterfly emerging from a chrysalist is also quite painful, however very necessary. If an emerging butterfly was to be cut free from its crysalis it's wings do not form properly, which essentially cripples tthe butterfly and leads to it death. In evesry natural system change is necessary for life. Without change we are led into stastes of stagnation and stagnation always leads to decay and ultimately death.
We change in our development from the moment of conception from two cells dividing into a clump of cells… these in turn change into a fetus, the fetus grows and becomes a baby… the baby a toddler, then a child, then an adolescent and finally we become adults – and the changes just keep coming… We change through the experiences we have – good, hard, personal and professional; till ultimately at the time of our mortal passing, we cross over back into the realm of spirit… which is the ultimate change.
The seasons around us change as they make their journey through the annual cycle of Spring, Summer, Autumn then Winter only to come back round to Spring again – I am sure that the changing of the season is a visual reminder for the spiritual truth that “change is the only constant in life” and that when we embrace the changes willfully, whether invited into our lives or forced onto us, a deep power is released within us which supports our metamorphosis. Yet so often, so many people are afraid of embracing the changes in their lives and thereby deny the power that is released within the self, when change is embraced. People that I have worked with and often spoken with, are afraid of change and it would seem that as human beings we get commfortable with the status quo. Others view change as some kind of punishment, but it's not - change is designed to build and test character and is therefore a blessing and a reward. So while the many catalysts to change can be challenging, and sometimes even harsh and cruel, the outcome when we embrace change is always a blessing, if we stick with the process and allow ourselves to be led on a magical mystery tour to a better version of self.
In life – everything comes and goes; people, relationships, jobs careers, money, health – and we don’t have a lot of control of the external influences in our lives – yet we do have control over ourselves and our attitudes, the way we think and face the ever changing landscape of our situation and circumstances. Part of the control we can exercise is the choices that we make when faced with change – we can step up and embrace change with gratitude or we can run and hide, trying to hold-on to what is old and outgrown; in spite of the pain that the old might be causing us.
In my current state as a widow of a little over 3-years; I acknowledge and embrace the fact that I am changing every day. I could have decided to hold onto the pain of my loss; but I didn’t – there is a reason that my husband was taken, in the moment and way that he was – and while I have not learned all the lessons that have come from this profound life-changing event – I know there is power in it. A power that is greaer than myself which I choose to use to do a greater level of good than may have been possible if Gary was still physically here with me.
Yes I have my days where my ongoing longing to hear his voice, see his face, feel his touch can be hugely overwhelming, but he was taken for a reason and there is nothing I can do to change what has happened. All I can do is embrace the fact that I am alive and am still of this world – acknowledging that this is my time. Trusting that in the fullness of my journey I will be reunited with my husband in the spirit realm and all that was out of balance between us at his passing, will be in perfect harmony when we meet again.
Till then all I need to do is keep myself open to change and the opportunities change brings. Showing daily gratitude that change continues to manifest in my life – that I have not become stagnant.
So the lesson here is to recognise that there is Power in the ability to Change. That the way to manifest this power is to make the most of the Power of Change and work on our individual self-development. Self-development being at is the root of self-awareness in a sea of change. Embracing the change and giving thanks, even if the change was profoundly painful, will release us to new heights of self-awareness and greater purpose in sevice to the greater good.