Reviewing my Progress
So its mid-February 2014, and I've started to make my tentative re-emergence into the world after a 13-month period of retreat. I just couldn't face the world as I've been either relentlesly crying to the point where my eyes sting, or I am emotinally empty and numb or utterly enraged for not particular reason.
Over the last 13-months with the support of a handful of girlfriends, my children and my former military buddies who have been helping me through my grief and PTSD, I've mostly been working on myself with my Runes and spending quite a bit of time reading the Bible. God knows and I am mindful that I'm still very vulnerable and raw. I still feel like I have so much to process, and I'm not sure at this point if I'll ever be me or OK again, but I soldier on through, because to do anything else would be to let those that love me down.
I'm still having issues sleeping and on my good day's I like to think that I am over my survivors guilt; but I'm not sure; I guess that this is an area that I'll be working on for some time to come. Nonetheless, I have been working on the guilt and facing up th the fact that Gary is not going to walk in through the door and that I have not only lost my husband and lover, but in that loss, I have lost my best friend, my companion, my sounding board and my anchor to this world.
I've been reading the Book of Job alot. I think (I stll have a lot of brain fog) that I must have read Job about a dozen times. Job lived in the days of the Old Testament. He was a good and righteous man, spent great portions of his days and nights praying to God, then one day his lost absolutely everything. His wife, children, servants, livestock, he got plauged with boils all over his body, and was grief stricken, I guess in my pain that's why I was drawn to read the Book of Job so many times; anyway in the end Job has everything he lost restored by God when the time was right; and this gives me hope that there is hope for me - whether in this life or then next, what has been lost will be restored.
I've also pondered my Runes and spoke with God directly through their use. The abiding message I keep getting is to be patient with myself, and to retreat (in strength) so that is what I ave been doing. To be honest I don't want to inflict my pain and misery onto others, my friends and family don't deserve to contend with me in this wounded state. No matter how much they care about me and might want to help fix me, I know that no-one can fix me other than me. So pulling back from the world seems like the right thing to do for now, except for my walks along the beach often in tears.
My son God bless him, has been funding me as I'm not in a position to be gaimefully employed at the memoment and when he has been home on leave he spends hours walking and talking with me. He's been sharing what he has learned of loss during his military service; and reminded me of just how many of his friends he had lost in Iraq and Afghanistan in 2010. What he's been saying does make sense and gives me strength even tough at times what he has to say is a tough pill to swallow and from time to time I hear Gary's wisdom in him.
Anyway its February 2014, its 13-months down the line and while I'm still broken and somewhat fractured and fragmented, I'm going to try and fulfil the plans that Gary and I had together and I recognise that it's going to take time as I have no idea how long its going to take for me to rebuild my world and my life without him in it, but I have to try. I have no idea how I'm going to manefest the plan as I'm still to inconsistent; bit I have promised myself to accept the opportunities and challenges that God presents to me as best as I can in any given moments as that's the best that I can do. but for now I need to work on my rage; I can't be angry for the rest of my life as I knoww I'm not an angry person by nature… “Maybe sharing my knowledge and experience will allow me to help others and in so doing help myself???”
So how am I doing???
I've got work to do on my self but overall despite the PTSD I think I'm getting better.