Fragmented
30 April 2016
One of my biggest challenges over the past three years as I make my way through the bereavement process, has been the feelings of fragmentation… I used to be so focused. I was one of those people, who had focus in my passion and vision no matter what I was working on. I had my reasons “why” clearly mapped out. I had a clear picture of who I was and where I was going. How I was going to get there, and I believed without a shadow of doubt that my beloved husband who had be my partner, enabler and constant companion for almost 30-years was coming with me for the ride, to the end of my road… He promised me forever and I believed; my faith was unshakable.
All that changed in the blink of an eye, when my husband passed to the spirit world quite suddenly and unexpectedly. When he passed; it was like the Death Star had blown my world up. I was cast adrift, feeling not only fragmented but also utterly lost and very alone… and I was angry!
Three years down the road in the healing process and a lot has happened ~ a lot has changed yet some things remain the same… I’ve been blessed and am very grateful for all the new things that I have learned about myself. One of the biggest blessings has been in realising that the parts of me, which make up the core of my essence are still part of me… So in spite of thinking I had lost myself; in reality I hadn’t lost myself at all ~ I'd been torn asunder and in need of reintegration of self. Coming to this realisation has been a process. Some of my core elements I can see have grown, while other elements feel like they having shrunk. The important this however is that at my core I still am to a great extent who I have always been; even though there is an aspect of weirdness to this ~ I am me, but not me at the same time.
From a spiritual perspective I do understand that my core had to be shattered so that my essence could be rearranged… and I do genuinely believe that when this process is complete I will be a better and stronger version of myself; better equipped to fulfil my purpose… but I am nowhere near my full strength yet... my vision is changed and somewhat blurred by the dust and debris of the devastation and this is very frustrating!
This is not the first life-changing event I have lived through. Having been here before albeit on a different level. I do know that change and transition is the only constant we can rely on, in our life experiences; but the changes I am experiencing now have never been profoundly radical.
It’s not only my core that has been fragmented ~ My foundations have shifted. Where as I once felt I was grounded in granite I now sometimes feel I am standing in quicksand. Time is moving on and at times I am made to feel that time is against me. Then there are the day-to-day societal pressures which are totally external to myself, my healing and evolution. Issued connected to the value society places on women of a certain age. I ponder and question my future as a woman … the external barrage of commentary that after 3-years I should be moving on in the sphere of relationships… that I should perhaps consider dating – after all as a widow I am technically single again; is the call that comes from some quarters – then there are others who tell me that I need to get used to being on my own. In this fragmented state I can often find myself being distracted and torn in different directions, and getting nowehere as fast as far as my workling life is concerned.
I understand that many of the reasons behind why I feel fragmented is because my core has been rearranged and my foundation has shifted. This rearrangement at my core in turn has led to the inner interaction of my core elements to reverberate, to a different beat; which in time will evolve into a new song. I just have to trust that what sometimes feels like quicksand will once again return to solid rock, and that the transition itself is never easy no matter how much it is accepted as necessary to my human experience.
Being fragmented and in a constant state of change, I have to admit is draining and challenging. I have to believe till I know with absolute certainty what it is that I want and should be doing, to accept the random opportunities which I am offered, which is what I have been doing as every day can be a school day, to learn something new about the self, the world or acquire new skills. In the now I have veiled impressions and not my usual solid “why”. which means I am missing my “what” and “how”.
Being fragmented also leads me to doubt and wonder whether I am fooling myself. Should I be accepting the random opportunities or should I be digging my heals in to return to my roots? Is is even timely for me to return to my roots when I'm still wounded? Is it really my place in my current state to share my experience? Afterall I’m not the first person to be widowed, neither am I the first person to have spiritual views on how to go about rebuilding a life after loss. Peak Another weird thing I've identified about myself is that the cause led warrior in me is really strong and if I didn't control myself could become a bit of a reckless element of my nature as I have to admit that when I am not exploring my inner world, the outer world and darkness of it adds to my vextation, which is something that I don;t really need while I try to keep as my incandescent anger under control.
An on those occasions when I am invited to speak at public events about love and loss and my evolving story and conversation about love and loss, change and transition, am I really as inspiring and worthy of sharing as some people would lead me to believe? I guess what I'm really asking is, does my story help others?
Fragmentation of self, while walking the path of transition is definitely confusing and it often seems that I’m stuck, dancing the “cha-cha” of life when I really want to “tango”. This leads me to wonder I am being too impatient with myself. Am I being totally unreasonable with myself in light of what I have lived through … Letting go of the me I had been for almost 30-years, to make space for the me I’m supposed to become I know can not be achieved in a short space of time. This form of letting go is to my mind another form of grieving and compoiunds the pain and confusion.
Maybe the simple truth is that I am not ready to let go of everything about the old me??? Maybe I am afraid of my inner light and the power of that potential, which I have had veiled visions of. Maybe when taken on balance 3-years is too short a time for the deeper purpose of this life event to unfold???
All I do know is that in my fragmented state, I am totally outside of my comfort zone… A place where all the magic of life happens.